So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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