He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Alive.
So much puke
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
