Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I did not marry a roomba.
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