Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
