Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
