stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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