My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
