you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
