I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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