I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
