Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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