I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
