I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
