Sry I called you an 8
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
