He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
