Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
