i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
