life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
