Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
