Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
