My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
