When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
