While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize