Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
