I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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