Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
