Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
