he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
