Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
