An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
