I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize