Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
