I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
