just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize