I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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