Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
