dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My vagina just clenched in fear
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
