So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
