I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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