i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
