I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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