Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
