I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
