I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
