My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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