Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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