WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize