The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
OPIZZABONMYDICK
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
