I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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