I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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