never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
