just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
