last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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