my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I got inside last night via doggy door
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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