got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
