Tell her she can't have a vagina
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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