last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
