we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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