Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
