were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
