Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
