When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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