a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
