I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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