Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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