Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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