i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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