I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
