bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
