I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize