if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
