Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
